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Posted by Monty Solomon on March 18, 2008, 3:38 pm
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OP-ED CONTRIBUTOR
The Undercover Parent
By HARLAN COBEN
March 16, 2008
Ridgewood, N.J.
NOT long ago, friends of mine confessed over dinner that they had put
spyware on their 15-year-old son's computer so they could monitor all
he did online. At first I was repelled at this invasion of privacy.
Now, after doing a fair amount of research, I get it.
Make no mistake: If you put spyware on your computer, you have the
ability to log every keystroke your child makes and thus a good
portion of his or her private world. That's what spyware is - at
least the parental monitoring kind. You don't have to be an expert to
put it on your computer. You just download the software from a vendor
and you will receive reports - weekly, daily, whatever - showing you
everything your child is doing on the machine.
Scary. But a good idea. Most parents won't even consider it.
Maybe it's the word: spyware. It brings up associations of Dick
Cheney sitting in a dark room, rubbing his hands together and reading
your most private thoughts. But this isn't the government we are
talking about - this is your family. It's a mistake to confuse the
two. Loving parents are doing the surveillance here, not faceless
bureaucrats. And most parents already monitor their children,
watching over their home environment, their school.
Today's overprotective parents fight their kids' battles on the
playground, berate coaches about playing time and fill out college
applications - yet when it comes to chatting with pedophiles or
watching beheadings or gambling away their entire life savings,
then...then their children deserve independence?
...
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/16/opinion/16coben.html?ex=1363320000&en=2aa854e2a4efcf64&ei=5090
***** Moderator's Note *****
I once had the good and/or bad luck to pick up a phone while my son
was telling one of his friends "My parents will believe anything". A
few minutes later, he asked to visit <friend-we-know-and-trust>, but I
took the time to check and found out he actually wanted to go and hang
out with <dope-using-n'er-do-well>.
What followed was a multi-year battle to be sure he was going where he
said he was, seeing who he said he was, visiting only the web sites I
gave him permission to see, and coming home when we agreed he
would. It was *NOT* easy and it did *NOT* make me popular with either
my son or his friends.
He just completed his Community Service Project and is about to stand
a board of review for Eagle Scout rank.
Children are not capable of surviving the online world without getting
hurt, either psychologically or physically, unless an adult
intercedes. The social paradigm "we" grew up with doesn't work when
they have so many means of communication and their parents have so
little time and so few resources, and the entire commercial world is
allied against us in order to sell sex and youth.
If you are a parent in today's online world, you have two options: point
the kids at the library and tell them that your computer is
off-limits, or use supervisory software to make sure _your_ decisions about
what is appropriate are enforced. If you are reluctant to spend the
money for commercial solutions, there are free ones like Squid
available, although they come with a steep learning curve. It's not
spyware: it's just a tool in your hands, and if you have children you
need all the tools available.
Of course, technical fixes only go so far: Caller ID and a web proxy
or other monitoring software will give you a good edge, but when all
is said and done, it's a parent's willingness to say "No", and to make
children understand that "No" _is_ a complete sentence, that makes the
difference between success and failure in childrearing. Make no
mistake: you can't be your child's friend.
Bill Horne
Temporary Moderator
(Please put [Telecom] at the end of the subject line of your post, or
I may never see it. Thanks!)
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Posted by on March 18, 2008, 9:14 pm
If you were Registered and logged in, you could reply and use other advanced thread options
> NOT long ago, friends of mine confessed over dinner that they had put
> spyware on their 15-year-old son's computer so they could monitor all
> he did online. At first I was repelled at this invasion of privacy.
> Now, after doing a fair amount of research, I get it.
When I was a young teen I was about as goody-goody as they came. But
I still had a strong sense of privacy. I wanted to take my telephone
calls in private and I didn't want my parents going through my
personal papers. If I found my parents going through my school notes
or my desk or listening to my phone calls I'd be upset. When I got my
first job I thought of my paycheck and bank account as my own
business, not my parents. There were a great many things I did share
with my parents (I had no secrets) but I always felt I was making a
choice to share them.
Some of my friends' parents were much stricter, and whether
necessarily so or not, it bothered me.
Some of my teachers over time were extra strict with classroom rules.
When I had teachers like that I felt like violating the rules. In
junior high we had up and down staircases, and I wanted to go the
opposite direction just for the spite of it. I think kids whose
parents were overly strict rebelled against it.
I find the idea of monitoring the computer or using a cellphone as a
"Lojack" for kids troubling. If a kid is running around the wrong way
or with the wrong people electronic ankle bracelets won't solve it.
Part of growing up is testing and stretching the limits.
For every restriction we put on kids they will find a way to beat
them. I don't want our kids to grow up so used to beating
restrictions and taking punishments that they see it is as merely a
part of life. In other words, I want kids to make proper choices
because it is the _right thing_ to do, rather than because otherwise
they'll get caught and be punished. I don't want a kid to grow up
focused on how to beat the system. Because he will beat it until it
gets too serious.
If a kid is savy enough to get on the Internet, he should be savy
enough to "say no" to come-ons and other hazards. Unfortunately, I
think more than a few kids put themselves at risk because they choose
to. We as society need to address that issue.
What bothers me about monitoring is that it always seems to start off
with some limited innocent purpose, but later grows and is used for
more purposes beyond the original justification. Another concern is
that there are many people out there with selfish, greedy, or evil
motives to exploit monitoring done by others. Information is
valuable. (Remember how a major corporation got the phoneco to give
them employees' _home_ call records?)
Suppose your child is applying to elite college and they're able to
pull up some "indiscretion" the kid did in 10th grade (e.g. one
conviction for underage drinking). I suppose a college wouldn't want
an alcoholic or junkie coming in its freshman class, but I'm not sure
I like the idea of knowing every gory detail of a kid's private high
school life either.
Likewise, when your child is done college and applies for a corporate
job--would we want a corporation digging that deep into your child's
college and even high school past? I assure you, some personnel
officers would love that opportunity "to protect the interests of the
company".
[public replies please]
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